linguaphilia | [Golden Peacock IC Inbox][un: scribe] (defunct)

[A sigh.]

You are.

[Kaveh would know better than anyone that Alhaitham is not blind to his flaws.]

You are... emotionally impulsive, naive, overly sensitive, and I'm often sure that you would cut your own foot off if a child told you they needed it for a scavenger hunt. [He shakes his head again and lifts the older man's hand up, kissing it once.]

You are noisy and will make a fuss over anything, you blame yourself for everything even when it cannot conceivably be your fault. You will even willingly stunt your own brilliance to make sure others don't fall behind. [His eyes lower slightly.]

... You feel things so deeply. In a way that I am not certain I will ever be able to fully comprehend. And I love you. In spite of and because of all of those things.

[ There's no point in Kaveh getting mad when Alhaitham agrees with him, even if he might have normally. They both know that what he said is true, and honestly he just feels lucky that the other is here with him despite that.

But then Alhaitham keeps talking, listing all his perceived flaws— not in his usual, no-nonsense matter-of-fact tone but in a way that leaves Kaveh stunned for once rather than defensive, feeling the kiss pressed to his hand, watching the way the other's eyes lower, and...

The architect's eyes fill with fresh tears, and before he can quite stop himself, he's shifted, pulled his hand free so that both arms can wind around Alhaitham's shoulders, his face pressing down into the soft blue shirt in the next moment. Despite being in essence a list of all the things wrong with him, it's perhaps the most romantic thing the scribe could have said.

Not to mention the one thing that can make Kaveh believe more than anything else. Any attempt to lessen the flaws of someone who believes in them so strongly would never have gone down well. ]

When I'm done crying I'll think of something pretty to say to you, [ he mumbles into the other's shoulder. ] But I love you too.

[Alhaitham will not deny Kaveh's flaws for two main reasons.

The first is that to do so would be a lie, and Kaveh would know he was lying. Alhaitham has never shied away from pointing out such things before so why would he do it now? It would only throw what he was saying into doubt.

The second is that Kaveh needs to hear that those things about him are acknowledged and accepted by the person telling him that they love him. To try and list all perceived positive qualities would be akin to nothing but platitudes.

Alhaitham knows Kaveh well. He always has. More than once he has put himself into positions he would rather not be in, in order to keep an eye on him because he knew that the architect would not watch out for himself.]

... I cut you off because you were going to wear yourself out trying to drag everyone else along with you. [Gently, he rubs Kaveh's back as the other man leans into him.] You knew that I wouldn't slow down for them, and you were always brilliant enough to keep up with me on your own. You would never have admitted it; you'd destroy yourself before you left them behind, so it was up to me to make the decision.

[He rubs his fingertips against the back of Kaveh's neck.]

But you would never have just agreed to drop the project. You've always been stubborn.

[He had to make him do it. Had to make it into a fight. It had been easy, really, when he knew which buttons to press.]

Having you despising me was preferable to watching you burn.

[ After his returned confession, Kaveh falls quiet for a little, just enjoying the way he's wrapped around Alhaitham even as he tries (and fails) to fight back the tears. Later, perhaps, he'll be mad at himself for taking so long to come around when the outcome was always this certain, but for right now...

He's still working on sniffling back enough of the tears that he can say something nice when Alhaitham starts to talk instead, hand rubbing first against his back and then fingers against his neck. And at first, the words don't make a lot of sense. Alhaitham never cut him off, Kaveh was the one who chose to leave the project—

Or so he thought. The other's words continue, and they're like a cold trickle of awareness at the back of his spine, dripping down until his blood feels like ice.

He pulls back slightly to blink up at him, eyes wide and confused and shimmering with fresh pain. ]

Alhaitham, you— that was— you're so—

[ A fist thumps against the younger's chest as if to punish, and yet with no force whatsoever as Kaveh's eyes close, tears cutting twin trails down his cheeks. ]

You're such a hypocrite...! You told me off for setting myself on fire to save them, but then you did exactly the same thing for me! Why would you— why would you choose to let me hurt you...?

Because I can take it.

[He lets go of Kaveh's hand to cup his face instead, stroking the side of one thumb through a tear track.

They never talked about this. It was always easier to just let things lie as they were. Easier to keep an eye out for Kaveh's welfare if Kaveh did not realise that he was doing it.

He doesn't raise his voice but there is a steely firmness in it that does not invite argument.]

Because I can take it, Kaveh. Because I know when to stop and I don't tear myself apart blaming myself for things for years after they occur. [Gently, he cradles the older man's face in both hands.] I saw the options I had and I made a choice. I could have pressed you into agreeing with me, but you wouldn't have forgiven yourself for it.

[ Kaveh's eyes open again when a hand cups his face, followed shortly by a second; he sniffs as a fresh tear rolls over the same thumb stroking others away. He hates it, but deep down he knows Alhaitham is right, that of the two of them the younger was always more likely to survive such a choice, that his reasons make sense. Knowing that, though, doesn't stop his heart from breaking at the knowledge that they lost so many years to it. If only he'd been less stubborn, less proud... ]

I'm sorry.

[ There's no hiding the tremor in his voice. ]

All this time, I've blamed you for it, told myself you were being selfish, but...

[ But all this time, he was a fool. ]

And I never tried to convince you otherwise.

[Not verbally, at least.

No, instead he took the struggling architect into his home and kept quiet about his presence there. He gave him chores and errands and rent to pay so he wouldn't feel like a freeloader, even if all he did was complain. He watched out for him, carefully monitoring his activities and subtly stepping in when the other man was taking things too far.

Because Kaveh was always stubborn, and it was easier for Alhaitham to let him think that he was simply obstinate.]

Don't start tearing into yourself over it now. I don't blame you for the choices I made.

[ He's quiet for a moment, just looking up at Alhaitham as the other tells him— sees right through him as always and tells him— not to start beating himself up over this. He laughs, a soft wet sound, and sniffles, shaking his head gently within the confines of those gentle hands. ]

Will you tell me something? How long— how long have you known you're in love with me?

[ There's a slight pause, not quite enough of one to let Alhaitham speak, before he continues: ]

How long have you known I'm in love with you?

Hm...

[How long has he known? He decides to answer the second question first.]

Do you remember when I came to you and told you I wanted to have sex? A little before that, was when I fully realised my own feelings for you.

[And it had, in part, been the reason he'd asked. He has his own ways of confirming his feelings that do not involve shape-shifting gods.]

As for you... I've had a feeling for a while. You don't hide it well.

[ He remembers. How could he not? Alhaitham wanted to do something Kaveh had never done, wanted a little something of Kaveh that he'd given to no one else. His breath hitches slightly at the thought,

although the emotion is quickly broken in the following moment by the blonde huffing an irritated sigh. ]

Considering you're not the first person to tell me that, then I guess I have to acknowledge it's probably true.

[ After all, even Xie Lian's response to Kaveh's admission of feelings towards Alhaitham was as simple as that of the man in question: "I know." ]

Am I always so readable to everyone? [ It's practically a whine. ]

I think the only person not fully aware of how easy you are to read is you.

[But it is, he will admit, simultaneously one of Kaveh's most endearing and most annoying qualities. Though, he has already confessed to loving all of said annoying qualities... and he does.

He shifts and drops his hands, drawing them back to his own lap.]

So, where do we go from here?

[ Where do we go from here?

It's a good question, but frightening. Kaveh's fight or flight instinct kicks in, and suddenly he wants to take several steps back, physically and emotionally both, to put himself back in a place of safety. There's no doubting the fact that, easy to read as he is, the emotions play out all over his face, but that also means Alhaitham will see the way he forcibly gathers himself together, taking a steadying breath as this time he is the one to reach out, hands taking the younger's face in hold, fingers stroking along the pale skin. ]

Where do we go? I... [ Another breath. ] I wanna be with you, if that's what you want too. I know that... I know it's difficult, being here. I'm jealous of everyone you've been with other than me, but. But I also know we have to. And if there are other people who can make it work, surely we can. Right?

Mm...

[He does tense slightly at the hands on his face but relaxes quickly, placing one hand against the back of one of Kaveh's. He thinks about it, mulling it over quietly, then gives a small nod.]

If we want to play their ridiculous game then that's how it works. [Alhaitham draws both of Kaveh's hands away from his head, clasping them between his palms.]

You were my first, regardless of the circumstances, and this is new ground to me even without these complications. Would that we had the means to navigate this in a conventional manner.

[But they don't. They don't and they both know it.]

I'll be with other people because that's the game, but my heart stays with you. [He meets Kaveh's eyes with a faint smile.] I'll always come back to you. How does that sound?

[ He notices the tense, makes a note for himself to ask about it later— he knew the other didn't like to be pushed or pulled by his face, but maybe he just doesn't like unexpected touches at all? And when it's so clear to him now how many concessions Alhaitham has made for him, the least he can do is try to learn what the other does or doesn't like.

For now, though, his focus is on what's being said, a slight smile coming to his lips at the reminder that he was Alhaitham's first— something that now he's only ever gladder that he insisted on them doing together— even if it trembles at the sentences that follow. It's all logical, and it's what Kaveh himself would have suggested, did suggest—

He still hates it, but it's their only course of action right now. He nods, offering Alhaitham the same smile. ]

It sounds like it's the best we're going to get right now.

[Kaveh would be right, though he does tolerate such things more from some than others. When it comes to Kaveh he hardly minds at all.]

I suppose it is.

[It's surreal in a way. To have it all out in the open between them now, no more secrets and no more dancing around how they feel. He can't help but wonder how long it's going to last before Kaveh does something to make himself think he's ruined things.

He imagines they will still bicker. They always did; things wouldn't feel right if it stopped.]

I'm going to kiss you now.

[And he does, pulling the man gently closer and wrapping one arm around his back.]

[ For the first time in years, Kaveh suddenly feels like he doesn't know what to say to Alhaitham. Not because there's nothing to say, exactly, but because...

Well, there's a lot of reasons.

They probably need to talk more about the situation in which they've found themselves, dating(? he thinks?) in the middle of a game where they're forced to have sex with other people, but the topic isn't a pleasant one, especially right now when Kaveh's insides can't decide if they're giddy with joy or liquid with molten anxiety.

Also, he kind of just wants to kiss the other man.

So when Alhaitham declares his intent and winds him in closer, there's no protest from Kaveh whatsoever, the blonde's arms immediately moving to circle the scribe's shoulders as he leans in to return the kiss, soft and sweet. ]

[And perhaps Kaveh would realise, in that kiss, just how long it has been since Alhaitham first started to feel differently towards him. It's been like this for a while, hasn't it? The soft, warm way that he simultaneously draws Kaveh in and leans into him, how he wraps an arm around the curve of his back to pull him close, how he's attentive to each movement and sigh that the older man makes.

He gives Kaveh a little tug, coaxing him to shift over onto his lap. Hasn't he explicitly stated that he likes having the man close to him for a while, too?

Hasn't it been like this?

Alhaitham parts from the kiss for a moment, looking up at Kaveh with those unreadable green eyes of his. One corner of his mouth twitches up into a small smile.]

Lost for words, I see.

[ The change in the other's kisses has been gradual enough that Kaveh hasn't recognized it for what it is— until now, when he's been actively made aware of a difference through the other's words. But it's true that Alhaitham didn't always kiss him this way. Over time, he's become more attentive, more affectionate, has gone from curious to connected until it just became part of what was normal for them.

He's still marveling over it as Alhaitham tugs him into his lap, as he parts from the kiss to offer Kaveh that slight smile, those teasing words that bring a quick flush of color to the older man's cheeks. ]

Shut— shut up, I—

[ The loop of his arms tightens slightly around the other's shoulders, and he leans forward until their foreheads meet, a sigh of content on his lips as his eyes close.

He's been blind. ]

You kiss me like you love me, [ he murmurs. ] You have for a while.

[Their foreheads press together and Alhaitham nudges his own gently up towards Kaveh's, his eyes open as he looks up at him while he speaks.]

Mm.

[He could probably pinpoint when the change happened, if he thought about it. If he really wanted to. If it mattered. It doesn't, not really, so he doesn't waste the time. Right now it feels as if there are more important things to be thinking about than that.]

I've been waiting for you to notice.

[And even then, he still hadn't noticed, had he? It had taken him being mired in his own feelings before he said anything. Kaveh really was hopeless.]

You managed this sooner than I expected you would.

[ The last comment earns Alhaitham a shove from Kaveh; it's light-hearted though, and his scowl nowhere near as deep as it might normally be when the other man teases his capability for observation. How can he really be mad with him when his heart feels this light and full and giddy? (There'll be plenty of time for him to get mad later, and somehow that makes him even happier.) ]

You—!

[ But of course he has no words to clarify that, either, and so he just leans in to kiss him again, tongue sweeping along his lower lip and arms creeping a little more firmly around his neck. He shifts, getting himself more comfortable in Alhaitham's lap.

He thinks, actually, that he could do this all evening. ]

[As Kaveh wraps around him more firmly he does the same in turn, bringing both arms up around his back. There isn't too much time for him to get more comfortable on the younger scholar's lap before he's being pulled in and tipped backwards onto the bed they're sitting on.

The mattress creaks softly in protest at the sudden shift in weight. Alhaitham leans over the other man and looks down at him with a soft curiosity, almost touching their noses together.]

When was the last time you slept?

[Because, honestly, he expects this has been eating at Kaveh for a few days at least.]

[ He yelps as he's suddenly dragged and tipped back onto the bed, laughing softly when Alhaitham leans over him; there's a fond smile on his face as he reaches up to brush his fingers along the other's cheek in time with the near-brush of their noses—

and then Kaveh's cheeks turn red and his eyes slide to the side, no longer quite meeting Alhaitham's own. ]

Uh..

[ It's been a few days, if he's honest, since he slept properly, a fact that the dark circles under his eyes will corroborate. Nor has he eaten much, despite the smorgasbord of dishes he ordered after his failed plot to have Xie Lian transform in the name of making everything better.

But he also doesn't want to sleep now, not when his heart is racing with the excitement of the truth.

And yet...

He can't lie, can he? ]

I don't remember.

Then it's been more than long enough.

[He can surely be more overt about caring for Kaveh's health now, can't he? Alhaitham shifts to give the other man room to make himself more comfortable and reaches up to loosen the collar of his own shirt.]

We have time to talk about this more thoroughly later and do whatever we want to do about it then. [The younger man moves to sit up at the head of the bed, propping a pillow between his back and the headrail, and picks up a book from the small nightstand.]

So go to sleep. [He tilts his head, inviting Kaveh to get close to him.] I insist.

[ Of course, there's no hesitation at all in Kaveh's acceptance of the invite; he shifts in close and nestles himself into Alhaitham's side even as he picks up whatever book he's been reading. And despite himself, the comfort of the motion brings a soft yawn to his lips. But he still protests, shaking his head with a frown as he tries to peer up at the younger man from his current angle. ]

I don't want to sleep. Can't we talk first? There's always time to sleep later.

[ It's not the first time they've had similar arguments, either. Kaveh has, far too often, kept himself up night after night worrying about a commission or other project only for Alhaitham to all but force him into bed despite his loud complaints.

Mm. Alhaitham has been looking after him for a long time now, hasn't he? ]

Mm, we can talk.

[Until Kaveh falls asleep - and Alhaitham is quite sure he will now that he's cuddled himself up like that. He wraps his arm around the older man to make him comfortable and curls a hand around his arm, idly sliding his thumb back and forth. The book is propped up against one raised thigh but not opened yet.

There are always those small signs that he's paying attention.

He has looked after Kaveh in small ways. To say he never cared would be entirely incorrect - if he never cared, he would not have invited someone so noisy and dramatic and so at odds with his own personality into his home to begin with. He would not have kept quiet about the man's presence there even if Kaveh was incapable of keeping it to himself when he was drunk. He would not have done all those little things to keep an eye on him that the blond has always found so annoying.]

But close your eyes.

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