linguaphilia | [Golden Peacock IC Inbox][un: scribe] (defunct)

No thank you.

Okay.
I'll be there soon.

[ When he arrives, it's with food and drink in hand anyway— Alhaitham may not want anything, but his brain is all over the place, and he thinks the sugar rush and the food might help keep him grounded when he's trying to speak about things of which he's terrified to speak. He balances the bag carefully over one wrist and knocks on the other's suite door— ]

It's me.

[ —and then waits for him to answer, pacing, more than once thinking even in the short time he has about just fleeing so that he doesn't have to face the inevitable end of their rekindled friendship with such abruptness.

It's bad enough in fact that if Alhaitham does open the door for him, it's liable to be at any moment where Kaveh is faced away from the door, poised as if about to run. ]

[Unfortunately for Kaveh it is in fact as he's pacing away from the door that Alhaitham opens it. He regards the man silently for a moment then huffs out a quiet sigh.]

Come on, then.

[Kaveh will either bolt, or he won't... Alhaitham would be lying if he said he wasn't a little curious over which one the man would choose.

He's already looking far more squirrelly than he usually does.]

What's the matter with you?

[ Kaveh hears the door open before he sees it and turns to face Alhaitham, the hesitance and anxiety alike both written all over his face. Without them, he'd no doubt look quite elegant right now; in black slacks and a slim-fitting red shirt he bought early on in his stay at the resort, he looks every bit the part he usually plays back in Sumeru: refined and fashionable at any cost.

But as it is, his red kohl-lined eyes are underscored with dark circles, and his lower lip so heavily bitten it looks bruised in places; even as he smiles in greeting, he's looking for an escape from this, and so it's no surprise that he looks squirrelly to the other man.

He holds his ground, though, to his credit. Swallows hard against the anxiety. ]

I'm fine.

[ It's said abruptly, and Kaveh takes the invitation for what it was, slipping past Alhaitham into the suite. ]

[Alhaitham, as a departure from his usual green, has chosen a deep royal blue shirt this day in a similar fitted style to the one Kaveh is wearing. He is not blind to the fact that they appear to be a matched pair as he looks at the man with an odd mix of patience and exasperation.]

You're clearly not.

[But he's not going to argue about it. No, he's just going to understand that what he said was fact, Kaveh is lying, and proceed with this situation from there.

Alhaitham closes the door behind him and moves back into the suite. It's a small place, simple, functional... no more than Alhaitham needs, though he would not object to a little more space.

He takes a seat on the edge of the bed and looks at the other man, pressing his lips together for a moment before speaking. His tone is a fraction softer, almost caring.]

What's happened?

[ Kaveh's lips part, frustration clear on his features when Alhaitham responds that he's clearly not okay. Of all the arrogant—

But before he can start to complain at him, the younger man's voice turns soft— softer, but soft for him— and he asks what's wrong, and something inside Kaveh twists and breaks all at the same time. Tears flood his eyes, and he looks away even as he takes a seat on the edge of the bed alongside the other, taking a deep breath. ]

Nothing's happened, I just—

[ The breath trembles on his lips. He's not even looking at him and all he can see from the corner of his eye is the blue of his shirt. It's unfair how good he looks, wearing the clothes of this place, and— ]

...Things have been good since we came here, right? With us, I mean. It's nice not to be fighting so much anymore.

[ Another breath. ]

I missed having you around.

[If he's fine, then why is be struggling not to cry? Alhaitham frowns a little at that, but there's... something else. Something that makes him stay quiet while the older man continues to speak.

A few responses come to mind. Not least that it's been nice to not have Kaveh's incessant complaining in his ear all the time, but he bites that back.

He places his hand against the back of Kaveh's shoulder, fingers slightly splayed and his palm warm.]

... It has been nice.

[And maybe, just maybe, he missed Kaveh too.]

[ Kaveh fights the urge to flinch away from that hand on his shoulder. Alhaitham isn't doing anything wrong, but every little part of him is arguing that the other won't want to touch him once he knows why the architect is here, and—

His fingers twine in his own lap, twisting and anxious. ]

I'm afraid to ruin it again.

[ The emotion in his voice is thicker now, despite his best efforts. And there's no doubt at all that Alhaitham will recognize the implication in his words, the acknowledgement that the person who chose to let them break the first time was Kaveh all along— something he's always known deep down, but has refused to admit to his once-friend's face until right now. ]

[That Kaveh would admit out loud that it was he who caused the schism between them in the first place comes as a surprise, and he may feel it in the way Alhaitham's fingers twitch slightly against his back.

The younger man looks away, focusing on a spot on the floor, and takes a deep breath before letting it out slowly.]

But you have something to tell me that you think is going to.

[He's not stupid. The pieces are easy to put together.]

[ Silence, as Kaveh's entire response is to close his eyes; a pained, silent confirmation that lasts for several seconds before the blonde realizes that with his head turned like this, Alhaitham probably can't see him anyway. He swallows, and straightens his back slightly, ignoring the lingering sensation left by the telltale twitch of those fingers. ]

Yeah. [ His voice is little more than a whisper. ] That's how I feel.

[ He has to fight down the sudden rush of words that rise to his lips, the urge to keep talking, to tell Alhaitham that because he's worried, he just won't say anything at all, that nevermind he made a mistake, that this whole thing is stupid and he's sorry to bother him in the first place— Instead, he takes another shaky breath, forces himself to stay silent until the urge passes, fingers twisting and untwisting in his lap. ]

I know that it's probably a stupid worry, but I can't get it out of my head.

[He moves his hand and shifts position beside Kaveh, clasping his hands loosely together in his lap and looking off to the other side of the room.]

Fear is nothing more than the anticipation of something that has not happened yet. [It sounds so simple, he's sure, when he puts it like that. So mechanical and cold. But isn't that just how Alhaitham is? He sees little use for emotions that don't serve a purpose and fear is certainly one of those.

Not that he's been without his own anxieties in this place. Something he is learning to come to terms with.]

Whatever it is you need to say... I can't make you say it. But I will listen to whatever it is.

[ He sighs at the other man's dry, calm explanation, shakes his head. ]

You know it's not that simple for me though. [ There's the slightest elevation to his voice, a hint of irritation, but he clamps down on it in the next moment with a tightening of his fingers around each other. A fresh trickle of fear runs down his spine, a question: what if Alhaitham doesn't care if it happens or not? He knows how much of a disruption he can be in the other man's life, and—

He's overthinking again.

Kaveh takes a deep, shuddering breath, leans a little until he's against the other. ]

...Will you just hold— will you sit with me for a little while first?

Edited 2024-04-20 14:01 (UTC)

[Things like this would normally make him frustrated. The dancing about, the lingering, the unnecessary conversation when whatever needs to be said should just be said...

Alhaitham sighs softly. He nods.]

Yes, all right.

[And the longer this goes on the more he finds himself wondering... and the more he thinks he might know what it is that Kaveh wants to tell him but is so reluctant to.

Well, there will be no forcing it either way.]

[ Kaveh doesn't know how many minutes pass with the pair of them just sitting like this. It feels like thousands upon thousands of them, and yet like no time at all, as if he blinked and all that time raced between them in the momentary closing of his eyes.

But none of it does anything at all for the rapid-time beat of his heart or the fact that his mouth feels dry or the fact that he feels dizzy and like he's about to be sick all at the same time.

At some point in it, he turns, presses his face into Alhaitham's shoulder, breathes him in and drizzles saltwater into the blue of his shirt. ]

I love you, [ he mumbles, his mouth barely parting around the words. ]

[Alhaitham waits. At some point he closes his eyes, sinking into the tense silence between them and trying to find a point of comfort in it. He has never minded silence, though he could do without the anticipation threaded through this one, but he waits and he remains quiet because it is what Kaveh needs to work through whatever this is.

When he feels the older man move slightly against him it prompts a small tingle down his arm. He glances at him, cocking his head just so as the words sink in.

He lets out a quiet breath through his nose.]

I know.

[Just as Kaveh had expected. Just as he had feared perhaps. Alhaitham is already well aware of the architect's feelings towards him.

He puts an arm around Kaveh and pulls him in a little more snugly.]

I love you too.

[ I know, Alhaitham says, and Kaveh feels the heavy discomfort of dread unfolding in his gut. His lips part, a myriad of words ready to flow from them: he wants to apologize, to tell Alhaitham he understands, that he doesn't have to worry about it, that he shouldn't have said anything, that their rekindled friendship is more important than anything else that he could possibly feel.

He's so lost in those panicked thoughts that for a moment he doesn't register the fact that he's embraced, pulled in closer; doesn't comprehend the words on the other's lips even as they're spoken. The tears sting the corners of his eyes, and he seeks to pull himself free, eyes wide and darting as if he's some kind of trapped animal— ]

I know, I shouldn't have said anything, I just—

[ But something about the whole thing has him falling silent mid-sentence, eyes settling on the other's face, rimmed in red and shimmering with anxiety. ]

Wait, what?

Edited 2024-04-20 20:45 (UTC)

[Alhaitham doesn't fall over himself to explain, doesn't even try to interrupt when Kaveh starts to ramble, because of course the man would never have expected his feelings to be reciprocated and for Alhaitham to admit it even if they were.

But he is a practical man, by all accounts. There's no use in ignoring this. Not when it can bring them both a little happiness in this place.]

You heard me.

[He's looking at the opposite wall and softly frowning rather than looking at Kaveh, but even so, he can practically feel the anxiety rolling off him.]

What you thought you heard; that's what I said.

[ He should be happy. Right? Alhaitham says that—

But he's still anxious all over, mind trying to convince him that he didn't hear what he thinks he heard even as the scribe says that he did. And perhaps that's why it troubles him so much that Alhaitham is looking away from him, why he reaches out, intent on snagging his chin and guiding him to look back in his direction.

But he stops at the last moment, and his fingers fall back to the bed. ]

Will you look at me?

[ His voice is soft, shaky— somehow disbelieving in spite of all the evidence to the contrary. ]

Please?

[The request isn't immediately met. Alhaitham lowers his eyelids slightly and releases the tension that immediately spiked at the awareness of Kaveh's hand reaching for him like that. He closes his eyes for a moment and exhales, then shifts himself a little to one side and turns towards Kaveh, looking him in the eyes.

It isn't as if this is something he's used to doing. He's never had to confess love to someone before. He's never felt like this about someone before.

He glances down to Kaveh's hand, the one that dropped down to the bed, and picks it up. Alhaitham clasps the other man's hand between both of his and brings it to his lips, kissing softly against Kaveh's fingers and then keeping it held close.]

So, you see, you were worrying about nothing.

[ Even through all of this, there's a part of Kaveh that's not entirely sure he believes. Perhaps it's the part that is convinced still that he misheard Alhaitham's words, or perhaps it's just that ever-doubtful part of himself that thinks no one can truly love him—

perhaps it's even a mix of both

—but there's something about the way that the scribe takes his hand, kisses it, that says everything he needs to know all at once, that convinces him of the answer until it can be heard over his own doubtful feelings, and he knows.

He takes a deep, shaky breath, fresh tears welling in his eyes even as a trembling smile finds his lips. ]

Mm. "Fear is nothing more than the anticipation of something that hasn't happened yet." Right?

[As he pushes another of those soft breaths out through his nose a quiet chuckle chases it, his lips curving into a small smile against Kaveh's hand.

All in all this is going better than he might have expected something like this to go... if he could have ever expected something like this to begin with. Stewing in his own feelings while never speaking them out loud to anyone was much more Kaveh's style after all.]

Right.

[It still seems flippant, but isn't it true? There was nothing to be scared of at all.]

This is a first for me.

[ Kaveh is quiet in response to that, considering Alhaitham's words before he nods slowly, that smile still holding place on his lips, shaky though it may be. ]

I know it is.

[ He may not have been able to sneak into the depth of the other man's heart and figure out his feelings before Alhaitham even spoke them, but he does know the other doesn't have a history of this, at least. ]

Would it surprise you to know that it is for me too?

[ He's thought himself in love before, but never dared say it. And even if he had, never once has it been a feeling like this is, something all-encompassing, something that seems to weaken him in ways even as it strengthens him in others. ]

I was so scared it would ruin things, so I—

[ And here he pauses, thinking about the conversation they've had about this so far. His head tilts, a frown forming on his features, consternation in his gaze. ]

Wait. You knew? Alhaitham, why didn't you say anything?

[ For once, there's no real anger or irritation in his tone; just the same emotion that has edged his voice the entire time he's been with the other. ]

[At the first question he just shakes his head a little. Does it surprise him? Not really. Someone like Kaveh might fall in love every day but never have the nerve to say anything.

To the second query though, he raises his eyebrows and lowers Kaveh's hand, though he keeps hold of it.]

Because what do you think you would have done if I had?

[Because he knows this man. He knows him as well as he knows himself. Understands him, even if he doesn't always agree with the things he does.]

At best you would have thought I was trying to make fun of you. It was better to let you come to me when you were ready.

[ What do you think you would have done if I had? Alhaitham asks, and Kaveh's lips part in answer only to find that he has none, because... because he doesn't know what he would have done. It was hard enough to believe the scribe's words even when they came soft and genuine in the wake of his own; what if they'd been spoken first, what then? Would he have believed?

As usual, the other man knows him better than he knows himself. He sighs, shoulders sinking slightly. ]

..Yeah. You're... I probably would have.

[ And to think that Xie Lian believed that Alhaitham would be even more unprepared than Kaveh— he's been waiting for this—

The thought makes the blonde's eyes close in brief pain, and he bites his lower lip. ]

There's something I need to tell you. I was trying to sort out my feelings, so... [ He takes a short, shaky breath. ] I asked Xie Lian to use his powers to look like you. I needed to see if I was just mixing physical attraction up with something real. [ A last ditch effort, in reality, trying to run away from what he knew was true. ] He did, but in the end I couldn't go through with it, because he wasn't really you.

[It's hard to read Alhaitham at the best of times but when Kaveh tells him that, his expression grows strangely distant for a moment.

There are a few things to process there. That Kaveh had been talking about this to Xie Lian in the first place, that he'd felt the need to resort to asking him to do something like that, and that Xie Lian agreed...]

I see.

[He presses his lips together for a moment then shakes his head.]

That was a profoundly stupid move that you will not be repeating, and I will be speaking to Xie Lian myself.

[Despite the scolding in his words his voice stays level. He still has hold of Kaveh's hand.]

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