[The request isn't immediately met. Alhaitham lowers his eyelids slightly and releases the tension that immediately spiked at the awareness of Kaveh's hand reaching for him like that. He closes his eyes for a moment and exhales, then shifts himself a little to one side and turns towards Kaveh, looking him in the eyes.
It isn't as if this is something he's used to doing. He's never had to confess love to someone before. He's never felt like this about someone before.
He glances down to Kaveh's hand, the one that dropped down to the bed, and picks it up. Alhaitham clasps the other man's hand between both of his and brings it to his lips, kissing softly against Kaveh's fingers and then keeping it held close.]
[ Even through all of this, there's a part of Kaveh that's not entirely sure he believes. Perhaps it's the part that is convinced still that he misheard Alhaitham's words, or perhaps it's just that ever-doubtful part of himself that thinks no one can truly love him—
perhaps it's even a mix of both
—but there's something about the way that the scribe takes his hand, kisses it, that says everything he needs to know all at once, that convinces him of the answer until it can be heard over his own doubtful feelings, and he knows.
He takes a deep, shaky breath, fresh tears welling in his eyes even as a trembling smile finds his lips. ]
Mm. "Fear is nothing more than the anticipation of something that hasn't happened yet." Right?
[As he pushes another of those soft breaths out through his nose a quiet chuckle chases it, his lips curving into a small smile against Kaveh's hand.
All in all this is going better than he might have expected something like this to go... if he could have ever expected something like this to begin with. Stewing in his own feelings while never speaking them out loud to anyone was much more Kaveh's style after all.]
Right.
[It still seems flippant, but isn't it true? There was nothing to be scared of at all.]
[ Kaveh is quiet in response to that, considering Alhaitham's words before he nods slowly, that smile still holding place on his lips, shaky though it may be. ]
I know it is.
[ He may not have been able to sneak into the depth of the other man's heart and figure out his feelings before Alhaitham even spoke them, but he does know the other doesn't have a history of this, at least. ]
Would it surprise you to know that it is for me too?
[ He's thought himself in love before, but never dared say it. And even if he had, never once has it been a feeling like this is, something all-encompassing, something that seems to weaken him in ways even as it strengthens him in others. ]
I was so scared it would ruin things, so I—
[ And here he pauses, thinking about the conversation they've had about this so far. His head tilts, a frown forming on his features, consternation in his gaze. ]
Wait. You knew? Alhaitham, why didn't you say anything?
[ For once, there's no real anger or irritation in his tone; just the same emotion that has edged his voice the entire time he's been with the other. ]
[At the first question he just shakes his head a little. Does it surprise him? Not really. Someone like Kaveh might fall in love every day but never have the nerve to say anything.
To the second query though, he raises his eyebrows and lowers Kaveh's hand, though he keeps hold of it.]
Because what do you think you would have done if I had?
[Because he knows this man. He knows him as well as he knows himself. Understands him, even if he doesn't always agree with the things he does.]
At best you would have thought I was trying to make fun of you. It was better to let you come to me when you were ready.
[ What do you think you would have done if I had? Alhaitham asks, and Kaveh's lips part in answer only to find that he has none, because... because he doesn't know what he would have done. It was hard enough to believe the scribe's words even when they came soft and genuine in the wake of his own; what if they'd been spoken first, what then? Would he have believed?
As usual, the other man knows him better than he knows himself. He sighs, shoulders sinking slightly. ]
..Yeah. You're... I probably would have.
[ And to think that Xie Lian believed that Alhaitham would be even more unprepared than Kaveh— he's been waiting for this—
The thought makes the blonde's eyes close in brief pain, and he bites his lower lip. ]
There's something I need to tell you. I was trying to sort out my feelings, so... [ He takes a short, shaky breath. ] I asked Xie Lian to use his powers to look like you. I needed to see if I was just mixing physical attraction up with something real. [ A last ditch effort, in reality, trying to run away from what he knew was true. ] He did, but in the end I couldn't go through with it, because he wasn't really you.
[It's hard to read Alhaitham at the best of times but when Kaveh tells him that, his expression grows strangely distant for a moment.
There are a few things to process there. That Kaveh had been talking about this to Xie Lian in the first place, that he'd felt the need to resort to asking him to do something like that, and that Xie Lian agreed...]
I see.
[He presses his lips together for a moment then shakes his head.]
That was a profoundly stupid move that you will not be repeating, and I will be speaking to Xie Lian myself.
[Despite the scolding in his words his voice stays level. He still has hold of Kaveh's hand.]
[ Where there was anxiety at the distance in Alhaitham's gaze, the hands still wrapped securely around his give him comfort enough that when he's scolded, he doesn't even get frustrated or sharp the way he might normally, instead just nodding.
It helps, perhaps, that he knows how stupid a move it was. ]
Don't be too mad with him. He was scared you'd hate him for it, but he tried to help me anyway.
[ And, because he knows how Alhaitham values his privacy: ]
And just so you know, he's the only person I've talked with about us. I didn't even talk to Tighnari about it or anything. I just knew that Xie Lian would... understand, I guess. Because he has to play the stupid game even though he's married.
[ Kaveh sighs, his free hand coming up to the back of his own neck, a frustrated expression forming on his features as he shakes his head. ]
[Kaveh would know better than anyone that Alhaitham is not blind to his flaws.]
You are... emotionally impulsive, naive, overly sensitive, and I'm often sure that you would cut your own foot off if a child told you they needed it for a scavenger hunt. [He shakes his head again and lifts the older man's hand up, kissing it once.]
You are noisy and will make a fuss over anything, you blame yourself for everything even when it cannot conceivably be your fault. You will even willingly stunt your own brilliance to make sure others don't fall behind. [His eyes lower slightly.]
... You feel things so deeply. In a way that I am not certain I will ever be able to fully comprehend. And I love you. In spite of and because of all of those things.
[ There's no point in Kaveh getting mad when Alhaitham agrees with him, even if he might have normally. They both know that what he said is true, and honestly he just feels lucky that the other is here with him despite that.
But then Alhaitham keeps talking, listing all his perceived flaws— not in his usual, no-nonsense matter-of-fact tone but in a way that leaves Kaveh stunned for once rather than defensive, feeling the kiss pressed to his hand, watching the way the other's eyes lower, and...
The architect's eyes fill with fresh tears, and before he can quite stop himself, he's shifted, pulled his hand free so that both arms can wind around Alhaitham's shoulders, his face pressing down into the soft blue shirt in the next moment. Despite being in essence a list of all the things wrong with him, it's perhaps the most romantic thing the scribe could have said.
Not to mention the one thing that can make Kaveh believe more than anything else. Any attempt to lessen the flaws of someone who believes in them so strongly would never have gone down well. ]
When I'm done crying I'll think of something pretty to say to you, [ he mumbles into the other's shoulder. ] But I love you too.
[Alhaitham will not deny Kaveh's flaws for two main reasons.
The first is that to do so would be a lie, and Kaveh would know he was lying. Alhaitham has never shied away from pointing out such things before so why would he do it now? It would only throw what he was saying into doubt.
The second is that Kaveh needs to hear that those things about him are acknowledged and accepted by the person telling him that they love him. To try and list all perceived positive qualities would be akin to nothing but platitudes.
Alhaitham knows Kaveh well. He always has. More than once he has put himself into positions he would rather not be in, in order to keep an eye on him because he knew that the architect would not watch out for himself.]
... I cut you off because you were going to wear yourself out trying to drag everyone else along with you. [Gently, he rubs Kaveh's back as the other man leans into him.] You knew that I wouldn't slow down for them, and you were always brilliant enough to keep up with me on your own. You would never have admitted it; you'd destroy yourself before you left them behind, so it was up to me to make the decision.
[He rubs his fingertips against the back of Kaveh's neck.]
But you would never have just agreed to drop the project. You've always been stubborn.
[He had to make him do it. Had to make it into a fight. It had been easy, really, when he knew which buttons to press.]
Having you despising me was preferable to watching you burn.
[ After his returned confession, Kaveh falls quiet for a little, just enjoying the way he's wrapped around Alhaitham even as he tries (and fails) to fight back the tears. Later, perhaps, he'll be mad at himself for taking so long to come around when the outcome was always this certain, but for right now...
He's still working on sniffling back enough of the tears that he can say something nice when Alhaitham starts to talk instead, hand rubbing first against his back and then fingers against his neck. And at first, the words don't make a lot of sense. Alhaitham never cut him off, Kaveh was the one who chose to leave the project—
Or so he thought. The other's words continue, and they're like a cold trickle of awareness at the back of his spine, dripping down until his blood feels like ice.
He pulls back slightly to blink up at him, eyes wide and confused and shimmering with fresh pain. ]
Alhaitham, you— that was— you're so—
[ A fist thumps against the younger's chest as if to punish, and yet with no force whatsoever as Kaveh's eyes close, tears cutting twin trails down his cheeks. ]
You're such a hypocrite...! You told me off for setting myself on fire to save them, but then you did exactly the same thing for me! Why would you— why would you choose to let me hurt you...?
[He lets go of Kaveh's hand to cup his face instead, stroking the side of one thumb through a tear track.
They never talked about this. It was always easier to just let things lie as they were. Easier to keep an eye out for Kaveh's welfare if Kaveh did not realise that he was doing it.
He doesn't raise his voice but there is a steely firmness in it that does not invite argument.]
Because I can take it, Kaveh. Because I know when to stop and I don't tear myself apart blaming myself for things for years after they occur. [Gently, he cradles the older man's face in both hands.] I saw the options I had and I made a choice. I could have pressed you into agreeing with me, but you wouldn't have forgiven yourself for it.
[ Kaveh's eyes open again when a hand cups his face, followed shortly by a second; he sniffs as a fresh tear rolls over the same thumb stroking others away. He hates it, but deep down he knows Alhaitham is right, that of the two of them the younger was always more likely to survive such a choice, that his reasons make sense. Knowing that, though, doesn't stop his heart from breaking at the knowledge that they lost so many years to it. If only he'd been less stubborn, less proud... ]
I'm sorry.
[ There's no hiding the tremor in his voice. ]
All this time, I've blamed you for it, told myself you were being selfish, but...
No, instead he took the struggling architect into his home and kept quiet about his presence there. He gave him chores and errands and rent to pay so he wouldn't feel like a freeloader, even if all he did was complain. He watched out for him, carefully monitoring his activities and subtly stepping in when the other man was taking things too far.
Because Kaveh was always stubborn, and it was easier for Alhaitham to let him think that he was simply obstinate.]
Don't start tearing into yourself over it now. I don't blame you for the choices I made.
[ He's quiet for a moment, just looking up at Alhaitham as the other tells him— sees right through him as always and tells him— not to start beating himself up over this. He laughs, a soft wet sound, and sniffles, shaking his head gently within the confines of those gentle hands. ]
Will you tell me something? How long— how long have you known you're in love with me?
[ There's a slight pause, not quite enough of one to let Alhaitham speak, before he continues: ]
[ He remembers. How could he not? Alhaitham wanted to do something Kaveh had never done, wanted a little something of Kaveh that he'd given to no one else. His breath hitches slightly at the thought,
although the emotion is quickly broken in the following moment by the blonde huffing an irritated sigh. ]
Considering you're not the first person to tell me that, then I guess I have to acknowledge it's probably true.
[ After all, even Xie Lian's response to Kaveh's admission of feelings towards Alhaitham was as simple as that of the man in question: "I know." ]
Am I always so readable to everyone? [ It's practically a whine. ]
I think the only person not fully aware of how easy you are to read is you.
[But it is, he will admit, simultaneously one of Kaveh's most endearing and most annoying qualities. Though, he has already confessed to loving all of said annoying qualities... and he does.
He shifts and drops his hands, drawing them back to his own lap.]
It's a good question, but frightening. Kaveh's fight or flight instinct kicks in, and suddenly he wants to take several steps back, physically and emotionally both, to put himself back in a place of safety. There's no doubting the fact that, easy to read as he is, the emotions play out all over his face, but that also means Alhaitham will see the way he forcibly gathers himself together, taking a steadying breath as this time he is the one to reach out, hands taking the younger's face in hold, fingers stroking along the pale skin. ]
Where do we go? I... [ Another breath. ] I wanna be with you, if that's what you want too. I know that... I know it's difficult, being here. I'm jealous of everyone you've been with other than me, but. But I also know we have to. And if there are other people who can make it work, surely we can. Right?
[He does tense slightly at the hands on his face but relaxes quickly, placing one hand against the back of one of Kaveh's. He thinks about it, mulling it over quietly, then gives a small nod.]
If we want to play their ridiculous game then that's how it works. [Alhaitham draws both of Kaveh's hands away from his head, clasping them between his palms.]
You were my first, regardless of the circumstances, and this is new ground to me even without these complications. Would that we had the means to navigate this in a conventional manner.
[But they don't. They don't and they both know it.]
I'll be with other people because that's the game, but my heart stays with you. [He meets Kaveh's eyes with a faint smile.] I'll always come back to you. How does that sound?
[ He notices the tense, makes a note for himself to ask about it later— he knew the other didn't like to be pushed or pulled by his face, but maybe he just doesn't like unexpected touches at all? And when it's so clear to him now how many concessions Alhaitham has made for him, the least he can do is try to learn what the other does or doesn't like.
For now, though, his focus is on what's being said, a slight smile coming to his lips at the reminder that he was Alhaitham's first— something that now he's only ever gladder that he insisted on them doing together— even if it trembles at the sentences that follow. It's all logical, and it's what Kaveh himself would have suggested, did suggest—
He still hates it, but it's their only course of action right now. He nods, offering Alhaitham the same smile. ]
It sounds like it's the best we're going to get right now.
[Kaveh would be right, though he does tolerate such things more from some than others. When it comes to Kaveh he hardly minds at all.]
I suppose it is.
[It's surreal in a way. To have it all out in the open between them now, no more secrets and no more dancing around how they feel. He can't help but wonder how long it's going to last before Kaveh does something to make himself think he's ruined things.
He imagines they will still bicker. They always did; things wouldn't feel right if it stopped.]
I'm going to kiss you now.
[And he does, pulling the man gently closer and wrapping one arm around his back.]
[ For the first time in years, Kaveh suddenly feels like he doesn't know what to say to Alhaitham. Not because there's nothing to say, exactly, but because...
Well, there's a lot of reasons.
They probably need to talk more about the situation in which they've found themselves, dating(? he thinks?) in the middle of a game where they're forced to have sex with other people, but the topic isn't a pleasant one, especially right now when Kaveh's insides can't decide if they're giddy with joy or liquid with molten anxiety.
Also, he kind of just wants to kiss the other man.
So when Alhaitham declares his intent and winds him in closer, there's no protest from Kaveh whatsoever, the blonde's arms immediately moving to circle the scribe's shoulders as he leans in to return the kiss, soft and sweet. ]
[And perhaps Kaveh would realise, in that kiss, just how long it has been since Alhaitham first started to feel differently towards him. It's been like this for a while, hasn't it? The soft, warm way that he simultaneously draws Kaveh in and leans into him, how he wraps an arm around the curve of his back to pull him close, how he's attentive to each movement and sigh that the older man makes.
He gives Kaveh a little tug, coaxing him to shift over onto his lap. Hasn't he explicitly stated that he likes having the man close to him for a while, too?
Hasn't it been like this?
Alhaitham parts from the kiss for a moment, looking up at Kaveh with those unreadable green eyes of his. One corner of his mouth twitches up into a small smile.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2024-04-21 12:19 am (UTC)It isn't as if this is something he's used to doing. He's never had to confess love to someone before. He's never felt like this about someone before.
He glances down to Kaveh's hand, the one that dropped down to the bed, and picks it up. Alhaitham clasps the other man's hand between both of his and brings it to his lips, kissing softly against Kaveh's fingers and then keeping it held close.]
So, you see, you were worrying about nothing.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-21 12:31 am (UTC)perhaps it's even a mix of both
—but there's something about the way that the scribe takes his hand, kisses it, that says everything he needs to know all at once, that convinces him of the answer until it can be heard over his own doubtful feelings, and he knows.
He takes a deep, shaky breath, fresh tears welling in his eyes even as a trembling smile finds his lips. ]
Mm. "Fear is nothing more than the anticipation of something that hasn't happened yet." Right?
no subject
Date: 2024-04-21 12:38 am (UTC)All in all this is going better than he might have expected something like this to go... if he could have ever expected something like this to begin with. Stewing in his own feelings while never speaking them out loud to anyone was much more Kaveh's style after all.]
Right.
[It still seems flippant, but isn't it true? There was nothing to be scared of at all.]
This is a first for me.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-21 12:49 am (UTC)I know it is.
[ He may not have been able to sneak into the depth of the other man's heart and figure out his feelings before Alhaitham even spoke them, but he does know the other doesn't have a history of this, at least. ]
Would it surprise you to know that it is for me too?
[ He's thought himself in love before, but never dared say it. And even if he had, never once has it been a feeling like this is, something all-encompassing, something that seems to weaken him in ways even as it strengthens him in others. ]
I was so scared it would ruin things, so I—
[ And here he pauses, thinking about the conversation they've had about this so far. His head tilts, a frown forming on his features, consternation in his gaze. ]
Wait. You knew? Alhaitham, why didn't you say anything?
[ For once, there's no real anger or irritation in his tone; just the same emotion that has edged his voice the entire time he's been with the other. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-04-21 01:01 am (UTC)To the second query though, he raises his eyebrows and lowers Kaveh's hand, though he keeps hold of it.]
Because what do you think you would have done if I had?
[Because he knows this man. He knows him as well as he knows himself. Understands him, even if he doesn't always agree with the things he does.]
At best you would have thought I was trying to make fun of you. It was better to let you come to me when you were ready.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-21 01:16 am (UTC)As usual, the other man knows him better than he knows himself. He sighs, shoulders sinking slightly. ]
..Yeah. You're... I probably would have.
[ And to think that Xie Lian believed that Alhaitham would be even more unprepared than Kaveh— he's been waiting for this—
The thought makes the blonde's eyes close in brief pain, and he bites his lower lip. ]
There's something I need to tell you. I was trying to sort out my feelings, so... [ He takes a short, shaky breath. ] I asked Xie Lian to use his powers to look like you. I needed to see if I was just mixing physical attraction up with something real. [ A last ditch effort, in reality, trying to run away from what he knew was true. ] He did, but in the end I couldn't go through with it, because he wasn't really you.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-21 01:22 am (UTC)There are a few things to process there. That Kaveh had been talking about this to Xie Lian in the first place, that he'd felt the need to resort to asking him to do something like that, and that Xie Lian agreed...]
I see.
[He presses his lips together for a moment then shakes his head.]
That was a profoundly stupid move that you will not be repeating, and I will be speaking to Xie Lian myself.
[Despite the scolding in his words his voice stays level. He still has hold of Kaveh's hand.]
no subject
Date: 2024-04-21 01:30 am (UTC)It helps, perhaps, that he knows how stupid a move it was. ]
Don't be too mad with him. He was scared you'd hate him for it, but he tried to help me anyway.
[ And, because he knows how Alhaitham values his privacy: ]
And just so you know, he's the only person I've talked with about us. I didn't even talk to Tighnari about it or anything. I just knew that Xie Lian would... understand, I guess. Because he has to play the stupid game even though he's married.
[ Kaveh sighs, his free hand coming up to the back of his own neck, a frustrated expression forming on his features as he shakes his head. ]
I'm sorry. I'm terrible at this.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-21 01:42 am (UTC)You are.
[Kaveh would know better than anyone that Alhaitham is not blind to his flaws.]
You are... emotionally impulsive, naive, overly sensitive, and I'm often sure that you would cut your own foot off if a child told you they needed it for a scavenger hunt. [He shakes his head again and lifts the older man's hand up, kissing it once.]
You are noisy and will make a fuss over anything, you blame yourself for everything even when it cannot conceivably be your fault. You will even willingly stunt your own brilliance to make sure others don't fall behind. [His eyes lower slightly.]
... You feel things so deeply. In a way that I am not certain I will ever be able to fully comprehend. And I love you. In spite of and because of all of those things.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-21 01:57 am (UTC)But then Alhaitham keeps talking, listing all his perceived flaws— not in his usual, no-nonsense matter-of-fact tone but in a way that leaves Kaveh stunned for once rather than defensive, feeling the kiss pressed to his hand, watching the way the other's eyes lower, and...
The architect's eyes fill with fresh tears, and before he can quite stop himself, he's shifted, pulled his hand free so that both arms can wind around Alhaitham's shoulders, his face pressing down into the soft blue shirt in the next moment. Despite being in essence a list of all the things wrong with him, it's perhaps the most romantic thing the scribe could have said.
Not to mention the one thing that can make Kaveh believe more than anything else. Any attempt to lessen the flaws of someone who believes in them so strongly would never have gone down well. ]
When I'm done crying I'll think of something pretty to say to you, [ he mumbles into the other's shoulder. ] But I love you too.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-21 02:16 am (UTC)The first is that to do so would be a lie, and Kaveh would know he was lying. Alhaitham has never shied away from pointing out such things before so why would he do it now? It would only throw what he was saying into doubt.
The second is that Kaveh needs to hear that those things about him are acknowledged and accepted by the person telling him that they love him. To try and list all perceived positive qualities would be akin to nothing but platitudes.
Alhaitham knows Kaveh well. He always has. More than once he has put himself into positions he would rather not be in, in order to keep an eye on him because he knew that the architect would not watch out for himself.]
... I cut you off because you were going to wear yourself out trying to drag everyone else along with you. [Gently, he rubs Kaveh's back as the other man leans into him.] You knew that I wouldn't slow down for them, and you were always brilliant enough to keep up with me on your own. You would never have admitted it; you'd destroy yourself before you left them behind, so it was up to me to make the decision.
[He rubs his fingertips against the back of Kaveh's neck.]
But you would never have just agreed to drop the project. You've always been stubborn.
[He had to make him do it. Had to make it into a fight. It had been easy, really, when he knew which buttons to press.]
Having you despising me was preferable to watching you burn.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-21 02:34 am (UTC)He's still working on sniffling back enough of the tears that he can say something nice when Alhaitham starts to talk instead, hand rubbing first against his back and then fingers against his neck. And at first, the words don't make a lot of sense. Alhaitham never cut him off, Kaveh was the one who chose to leave the project—
Or so he thought. The other's words continue, and they're like a cold trickle of awareness at the back of his spine, dripping down until his blood feels like ice.
He pulls back slightly to blink up at him, eyes wide and confused and shimmering with fresh pain. ]
Alhaitham, you— that was— you're so—
[ A fist thumps against the younger's chest as if to punish, and yet with no force whatsoever as Kaveh's eyes close, tears cutting twin trails down his cheeks. ]
You're such a hypocrite...! You told me off for setting myself on fire to save them, but then you did exactly the same thing for me! Why would you— why would you choose to let me hurt you...?
no subject
Date: 2024-04-21 02:42 am (UTC)[He lets go of Kaveh's hand to cup his face instead, stroking the side of one thumb through a tear track.
They never talked about this. It was always easier to just let things lie as they were. Easier to keep an eye out for Kaveh's welfare if Kaveh did not realise that he was doing it.
He doesn't raise his voice but there is a steely firmness in it that does not invite argument.]
Because I can take it, Kaveh. Because I know when to stop and I don't tear myself apart blaming myself for things for years after they occur. [Gently, he cradles the older man's face in both hands.] I saw the options I had and I made a choice. I could have pressed you into agreeing with me, but you wouldn't have forgiven yourself for it.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-21 03:17 am (UTC)I'm sorry.
[ There's no hiding the tremor in his voice. ]
All this time, I've blamed you for it, told myself you were being selfish, but...
[ But all this time, he was a fool. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-04-21 03:23 am (UTC)[Not verbally, at least.
No, instead he took the struggling architect into his home and kept quiet about his presence there. He gave him chores and errands and rent to pay so he wouldn't feel like a freeloader, even if all he did was complain. He watched out for him, carefully monitoring his activities and subtly stepping in when the other man was taking things too far.
Because Kaveh was always stubborn, and it was easier for Alhaitham to let him think that he was simply obstinate.]
Don't start tearing into yourself over it now. I don't blame you for the choices I made.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-21 03:29 am (UTC)Will you tell me something? How long— how long have you known you're in love with me?
[ There's a slight pause, not quite enough of one to let Alhaitham speak, before he continues: ]
How long have you known I'm in love with you?
no subject
Date: 2024-04-21 03:32 am (UTC)[How long has he known? He decides to answer the second question first.]
Do you remember when I came to you and told you I wanted to have sex? A little before that, was when I fully realised my own feelings for you.
[And it had, in part, been the reason he'd asked. He has his own ways of confirming his feelings that do not involve shape-shifting gods.]
As for you... I've had a feeling for a while. You don't hide it well.
no subject
Date: 2024-04-21 03:41 am (UTC)although the emotion is quickly broken in the following moment by the blonde huffing an irritated sigh. ]
Considering you're not the first person to tell me that, then I guess I have to acknowledge it's probably true.
[ After all, even Xie Lian's response to Kaveh's admission of feelings towards Alhaitham was as simple as that of the man in question: "I know." ]
Am I always so readable to everyone? [ It's practically a whine. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-04-21 03:47 am (UTC)[But it is, he will admit, simultaneously one of Kaveh's most endearing and most annoying qualities. Though, he has already confessed to loving all of said annoying qualities... and he does.
He shifts and drops his hands, drawing them back to his own lap.]
So, where do we go from here?
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Date: 2024-04-21 04:01 am (UTC)It's a good question, but frightening. Kaveh's fight or flight instinct kicks in, and suddenly he wants to take several steps back, physically and emotionally both, to put himself back in a place of safety. There's no doubting the fact that, easy to read as he is, the emotions play out all over his face, but that also means Alhaitham will see the way he forcibly gathers himself together, taking a steadying breath as this time he is the one to reach out, hands taking the younger's face in hold, fingers stroking along the pale skin. ]
Where do we go? I... [ Another breath. ] I wanna be with you, if that's what you want too. I know that... I know it's difficult, being here. I'm jealous of everyone you've been with other than me, but. But I also know we have to. And if there are other people who can make it work, surely we can. Right?
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Date: 2024-04-21 04:08 am (UTC)[He does tense slightly at the hands on his face but relaxes quickly, placing one hand against the back of one of Kaveh's. He thinks about it, mulling it over quietly, then gives a small nod.]
If we want to play their ridiculous game then that's how it works. [Alhaitham draws both of Kaveh's hands away from his head, clasping them between his palms.]
You were my first, regardless of the circumstances, and this is new ground to me even without these complications. Would that we had the means to navigate this in a conventional manner.
[But they don't. They don't and they both know it.]
I'll be with other people because that's the game, but my heart stays with you. [He meets Kaveh's eyes with a faint smile.] I'll always come back to you. How does that sound?
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Date: 2024-04-21 04:17 am (UTC)For now, though, his focus is on what's being said, a slight smile coming to his lips at the reminder that he was Alhaitham's first— something that now he's only ever gladder that he insisted on them doing together— even if it trembles at the sentences that follow. It's all logical, and it's what Kaveh himself would have suggested, did suggest—
He still hates it, but it's their only course of action right now. He nods, offering Alhaitham the same smile. ]
It sounds like it's the best we're going to get right now.
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Date: 2024-04-21 10:09 pm (UTC)I suppose it is.
[It's surreal in a way. To have it all out in the open between them now, no more secrets and no more dancing around how they feel. He can't help but wonder how long it's going to last before Kaveh does something to make himself think he's ruined things.
He imagines they will still bicker. They always did; things wouldn't feel right if it stopped.]
I'm going to kiss you now.
[And he does, pulling the man gently closer and wrapping one arm around his back.]
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Date: 2024-04-22 09:27 am (UTC)Well, there's a lot of reasons.
They probably need to talk more about the situation in which they've found themselves, dating(? he thinks?) in the middle of a game where they're forced to have sex with other people, but the topic isn't a pleasant one, especially right now when Kaveh's insides can't decide if they're giddy with joy or liquid with molten anxiety.
Also, he kind of just wants to kiss the other man.
So when Alhaitham declares his intent and winds him in closer, there's no protest from Kaveh whatsoever, the blonde's arms immediately moving to circle the scribe's shoulders as he leans in to return the kiss, soft and sweet. ]
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Date: 2024-04-23 09:19 am (UTC)He gives Kaveh a little tug, coaxing him to shift over onto his lap. Hasn't he explicitly stated that he likes having the man close to him for a while, too?
Hasn't it been like this?
Alhaitham parts from the kiss for a moment, looking up at Kaveh with those unreadable green eyes of his. One corner of his mouth twitches up into a small smile.]
Lost for words, I see.
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