linguaphilia | [Golden Peacock IC Inbox][un: scribe] (defunct)

[ Silence, as Kaveh's entire response is to close his eyes; a pained, silent confirmation that lasts for several seconds before the blonde realizes that with his head turned like this, Alhaitham probably can't see him anyway. He swallows, and straightens his back slightly, ignoring the lingering sensation left by the telltale twitch of those fingers. ]

Yeah. [ His voice is little more than a whisper. ] That's how I feel.

[ He has to fight down the sudden rush of words that rise to his lips, the urge to keep talking, to tell Alhaitham that because he's worried, he just won't say anything at all, that nevermind he made a mistake, that this whole thing is stupid and he's sorry to bother him in the first place— Instead, he takes another shaky breath, forces himself to stay silent until the urge passes, fingers twisting and untwisting in his lap. ]

I know that it's probably a stupid worry, but I can't get it out of my head.

[He moves his hand and shifts position beside Kaveh, clasping his hands loosely together in his lap and looking off to the other side of the room.]

Fear is nothing more than the anticipation of something that has not happened yet. [It sounds so simple, he's sure, when he puts it like that. So mechanical and cold. But isn't that just how Alhaitham is? He sees little use for emotions that don't serve a purpose and fear is certainly one of those.

Not that he's been without his own anxieties in this place. Something he is learning to come to terms with.]

Whatever it is you need to say... I can't make you say it. But I will listen to whatever it is.

[ He sighs at the other man's dry, calm explanation, shakes his head. ]

You know it's not that simple for me though. [ There's the slightest elevation to his voice, a hint of irritation, but he clamps down on it in the next moment with a tightening of his fingers around each other. A fresh trickle of fear runs down his spine, a question: what if Alhaitham doesn't care if it happens or not? He knows how much of a disruption he can be in the other man's life, and—

He's overthinking again.

Kaveh takes a deep, shuddering breath, leans a little until he's against the other. ]

...Will you just hold— will you sit with me for a little while first?

Edited 2024-04-20 14:01 (UTC)

[Things like this would normally make him frustrated. The dancing about, the lingering, the unnecessary conversation when whatever needs to be said should just be said...

Alhaitham sighs softly. He nods.]

Yes, all right.

[And the longer this goes on the more he finds himself wondering... and the more he thinks he might know what it is that Kaveh wants to tell him but is so reluctant to.

Well, there will be no forcing it either way.]

[ Kaveh doesn't know how many minutes pass with the pair of them just sitting like this. It feels like thousands upon thousands of them, and yet like no time at all, as if he blinked and all that time raced between them in the momentary closing of his eyes.

But none of it does anything at all for the rapid-time beat of his heart or the fact that his mouth feels dry or the fact that he feels dizzy and like he's about to be sick all at the same time.

At some point in it, he turns, presses his face into Alhaitham's shoulder, breathes him in and drizzles saltwater into the blue of his shirt. ]

I love you, [ he mumbles, his mouth barely parting around the words. ]

[Alhaitham waits. At some point he closes his eyes, sinking into the tense silence between them and trying to find a point of comfort in it. He has never minded silence, though he could do without the anticipation threaded through this one, but he waits and he remains quiet because it is what Kaveh needs to work through whatever this is.

When he feels the older man move slightly against him it prompts a small tingle down his arm. He glances at him, cocking his head just so as the words sink in.

He lets out a quiet breath through his nose.]

I know.

[Just as Kaveh had expected. Just as he had feared perhaps. Alhaitham is already well aware of the architect's feelings towards him.

He puts an arm around Kaveh and pulls him in a little more snugly.]

I love you too.

[ I know, Alhaitham says, and Kaveh feels the heavy discomfort of dread unfolding in his gut. His lips part, a myriad of words ready to flow from them: he wants to apologize, to tell Alhaitham he understands, that he doesn't have to worry about it, that he shouldn't have said anything, that their rekindled friendship is more important than anything else that he could possibly feel.

He's so lost in those panicked thoughts that for a moment he doesn't register the fact that he's embraced, pulled in closer; doesn't comprehend the words on the other's lips even as they're spoken. The tears sting the corners of his eyes, and he seeks to pull himself free, eyes wide and darting as if he's some kind of trapped animal— ]

I know, I shouldn't have said anything, I just—

[ But something about the whole thing has him falling silent mid-sentence, eyes settling on the other's face, rimmed in red and shimmering with anxiety. ]

Wait, what?

Edited 2024-04-20 20:45 (UTC)

[Alhaitham doesn't fall over himself to explain, doesn't even try to interrupt when Kaveh starts to ramble, because of course the man would never have expected his feelings to be reciprocated and for Alhaitham to admit it even if they were.

But he is a practical man, by all accounts. There's no use in ignoring this. Not when it can bring them both a little happiness in this place.]

You heard me.

[He's looking at the opposite wall and softly frowning rather than looking at Kaveh, but even so, he can practically feel the anxiety rolling off him.]

What you thought you heard; that's what I said.

[ He should be happy. Right? Alhaitham says that—

But he's still anxious all over, mind trying to convince him that he didn't hear what he thinks he heard even as the scribe says that he did. And perhaps that's why it troubles him so much that Alhaitham is looking away from him, why he reaches out, intent on snagging his chin and guiding him to look back in his direction.

But he stops at the last moment, and his fingers fall back to the bed. ]

Will you look at me?

[ His voice is soft, shaky— somehow disbelieving in spite of all the evidence to the contrary. ]

Please?

[The request isn't immediately met. Alhaitham lowers his eyelids slightly and releases the tension that immediately spiked at the awareness of Kaveh's hand reaching for him like that. He closes his eyes for a moment and exhales, then shifts himself a little to one side and turns towards Kaveh, looking him in the eyes.

It isn't as if this is something he's used to doing. He's never had to confess love to someone before. He's never felt like this about someone before.

He glances down to Kaveh's hand, the one that dropped down to the bed, and picks it up. Alhaitham clasps the other man's hand between both of his and brings it to his lips, kissing softly against Kaveh's fingers and then keeping it held close.]

So, you see, you were worrying about nothing.

[ Even through all of this, there's a part of Kaveh that's not entirely sure he believes. Perhaps it's the part that is convinced still that he misheard Alhaitham's words, or perhaps it's just that ever-doubtful part of himself that thinks no one can truly love him—

perhaps it's even a mix of both

—but there's something about the way that the scribe takes his hand, kisses it, that says everything he needs to know all at once, that convinces him of the answer until it can be heard over his own doubtful feelings, and he knows.

He takes a deep, shaky breath, fresh tears welling in his eyes even as a trembling smile finds his lips. ]

Mm. "Fear is nothing more than the anticipation of something that hasn't happened yet." Right?

[As he pushes another of those soft breaths out through his nose a quiet chuckle chases it, his lips curving into a small smile against Kaveh's hand.

All in all this is going better than he might have expected something like this to go... if he could have ever expected something like this to begin with. Stewing in his own feelings while never speaking them out loud to anyone was much more Kaveh's style after all.]

Right.

[It still seems flippant, but isn't it true? There was nothing to be scared of at all.]

This is a first for me.

[ Kaveh is quiet in response to that, considering Alhaitham's words before he nods slowly, that smile still holding place on his lips, shaky though it may be. ]

I know it is.

[ He may not have been able to sneak into the depth of the other man's heart and figure out his feelings before Alhaitham even spoke them, but he does know the other doesn't have a history of this, at least. ]

Would it surprise you to know that it is for me too?

[ He's thought himself in love before, but never dared say it. And even if he had, never once has it been a feeling like this is, something all-encompassing, something that seems to weaken him in ways even as it strengthens him in others. ]

I was so scared it would ruin things, so I—

[ And here he pauses, thinking about the conversation they've had about this so far. His head tilts, a frown forming on his features, consternation in his gaze. ]

Wait. You knew? Alhaitham, why didn't you say anything?

[ For once, there's no real anger or irritation in his tone; just the same emotion that has edged his voice the entire time he's been with the other. ]

[At the first question he just shakes his head a little. Does it surprise him? Not really. Someone like Kaveh might fall in love every day but never have the nerve to say anything.

To the second query though, he raises his eyebrows and lowers Kaveh's hand, though he keeps hold of it.]

Because what do you think you would have done if I had?

[Because he knows this man. He knows him as well as he knows himself. Understands him, even if he doesn't always agree with the things he does.]

At best you would have thought I was trying to make fun of you. It was better to let you come to me when you were ready.

[ What do you think you would have done if I had? Alhaitham asks, and Kaveh's lips part in answer only to find that he has none, because... because he doesn't know what he would have done. It was hard enough to believe the scribe's words even when they came soft and genuine in the wake of his own; what if they'd been spoken first, what then? Would he have believed?

As usual, the other man knows him better than he knows himself. He sighs, shoulders sinking slightly. ]

..Yeah. You're... I probably would have.

[ And to think that Xie Lian believed that Alhaitham would be even more unprepared than Kaveh— he's been waiting for this—

The thought makes the blonde's eyes close in brief pain, and he bites his lower lip. ]

There's something I need to tell you. I was trying to sort out my feelings, so... [ He takes a short, shaky breath. ] I asked Xie Lian to use his powers to look like you. I needed to see if I was just mixing physical attraction up with something real. [ A last ditch effort, in reality, trying to run away from what he knew was true. ] He did, but in the end I couldn't go through with it, because he wasn't really you.

[It's hard to read Alhaitham at the best of times but when Kaveh tells him that, his expression grows strangely distant for a moment.

There are a few things to process there. That Kaveh had been talking about this to Xie Lian in the first place, that he'd felt the need to resort to asking him to do something like that, and that Xie Lian agreed...]

I see.

[He presses his lips together for a moment then shakes his head.]

That was a profoundly stupid move that you will not be repeating, and I will be speaking to Xie Lian myself.

[Despite the scolding in his words his voice stays level. He still has hold of Kaveh's hand.]

[ Where there was anxiety at the distance in Alhaitham's gaze, the hands still wrapped securely around his give him comfort enough that when he's scolded, he doesn't even get frustrated or sharp the way he might normally, instead just nodding.

It helps, perhaps, that he knows how stupid a move it was. ]

Don't be too mad with him. He was scared you'd hate him for it, but he tried to help me anyway.

[ And, because he knows how Alhaitham values his privacy: ]

And just so you know, he's the only person I've talked with about us. I didn't even talk to Tighnari about it or anything. I just knew that Xie Lian would... understand, I guess. Because he has to play the stupid game even though he's married.

[ Kaveh sighs, his free hand coming up to the back of his own neck, a frustrated expression forming on his features as he shakes his head. ]

I'm sorry. I'm terrible at this.

Edited 2024-04-21 01:31 (UTC)

[A sigh.]

You are.

[Kaveh would know better than anyone that Alhaitham is not blind to his flaws.]

You are... emotionally impulsive, naive, overly sensitive, and I'm often sure that you would cut your own foot off if a child told you they needed it for a scavenger hunt. [He shakes his head again and lifts the older man's hand up, kissing it once.]

You are noisy and will make a fuss over anything, you blame yourself for everything even when it cannot conceivably be your fault. You will even willingly stunt your own brilliance to make sure others don't fall behind. [His eyes lower slightly.]

... You feel things so deeply. In a way that I am not certain I will ever be able to fully comprehend. And I love you. In spite of and because of all of those things.

[ There's no point in Kaveh getting mad when Alhaitham agrees with him, even if he might have normally. They both know that what he said is true, and honestly he just feels lucky that the other is here with him despite that.

But then Alhaitham keeps talking, listing all his perceived flaws— not in his usual, no-nonsense matter-of-fact tone but in a way that leaves Kaveh stunned for once rather than defensive, feeling the kiss pressed to his hand, watching the way the other's eyes lower, and...

The architect's eyes fill with fresh tears, and before he can quite stop himself, he's shifted, pulled his hand free so that both arms can wind around Alhaitham's shoulders, his face pressing down into the soft blue shirt in the next moment. Despite being in essence a list of all the things wrong with him, it's perhaps the most romantic thing the scribe could have said.

Not to mention the one thing that can make Kaveh believe more than anything else. Any attempt to lessen the flaws of someone who believes in them so strongly would never have gone down well. ]

When I'm done crying I'll think of something pretty to say to you, [ he mumbles into the other's shoulder. ] But I love you too.

[Alhaitham will not deny Kaveh's flaws for two main reasons.

The first is that to do so would be a lie, and Kaveh would know he was lying. Alhaitham has never shied away from pointing out such things before so why would he do it now? It would only throw what he was saying into doubt.

The second is that Kaveh needs to hear that those things about him are acknowledged and accepted by the person telling him that they love him. To try and list all perceived positive qualities would be akin to nothing but platitudes.

Alhaitham knows Kaveh well. He always has. More than once he has put himself into positions he would rather not be in, in order to keep an eye on him because he knew that the architect would not watch out for himself.]

... I cut you off because you were going to wear yourself out trying to drag everyone else along with you. [Gently, he rubs Kaveh's back as the other man leans into him.] You knew that I wouldn't slow down for them, and you were always brilliant enough to keep up with me on your own. You would never have admitted it; you'd destroy yourself before you left them behind, so it was up to me to make the decision.

[He rubs his fingertips against the back of Kaveh's neck.]

But you would never have just agreed to drop the project. You've always been stubborn.

[He had to make him do it. Had to make it into a fight. It had been easy, really, when he knew which buttons to press.]

Having you despising me was preferable to watching you burn.

[ After his returned confession, Kaveh falls quiet for a little, just enjoying the way he's wrapped around Alhaitham even as he tries (and fails) to fight back the tears. Later, perhaps, he'll be mad at himself for taking so long to come around when the outcome was always this certain, but for right now...

He's still working on sniffling back enough of the tears that he can say something nice when Alhaitham starts to talk instead, hand rubbing first against his back and then fingers against his neck. And at first, the words don't make a lot of sense. Alhaitham never cut him off, Kaveh was the one who chose to leave the project—

Or so he thought. The other's words continue, and they're like a cold trickle of awareness at the back of his spine, dripping down until his blood feels like ice.

He pulls back slightly to blink up at him, eyes wide and confused and shimmering with fresh pain. ]

Alhaitham, you— that was— you're so—

[ A fist thumps against the younger's chest as if to punish, and yet with no force whatsoever as Kaveh's eyes close, tears cutting twin trails down his cheeks. ]

You're such a hypocrite...! You told me off for setting myself on fire to save them, but then you did exactly the same thing for me! Why would you— why would you choose to let me hurt you...?

Because I can take it.

[He lets go of Kaveh's hand to cup his face instead, stroking the side of one thumb through a tear track.

They never talked about this. It was always easier to just let things lie as they were. Easier to keep an eye out for Kaveh's welfare if Kaveh did not realise that he was doing it.

He doesn't raise his voice but there is a steely firmness in it that does not invite argument.]

Because I can take it, Kaveh. Because I know when to stop and I don't tear myself apart blaming myself for things for years after they occur. [Gently, he cradles the older man's face in both hands.] I saw the options I had and I made a choice. I could have pressed you into agreeing with me, but you wouldn't have forgiven yourself for it.

[ Kaveh's eyes open again when a hand cups his face, followed shortly by a second; he sniffs as a fresh tear rolls over the same thumb stroking others away. He hates it, but deep down he knows Alhaitham is right, that of the two of them the younger was always more likely to survive such a choice, that his reasons make sense. Knowing that, though, doesn't stop his heart from breaking at the knowledge that they lost so many years to it. If only he'd been less stubborn, less proud... ]

I'm sorry.

[ There's no hiding the tremor in his voice. ]

All this time, I've blamed you for it, told myself you were being selfish, but...

[ But all this time, he was a fool. ]

And I never tried to convince you otherwise.

[Not verbally, at least.

No, instead he took the struggling architect into his home and kept quiet about his presence there. He gave him chores and errands and rent to pay so he wouldn't feel like a freeloader, even if all he did was complain. He watched out for him, carefully monitoring his activities and subtly stepping in when the other man was taking things too far.

Because Kaveh was always stubborn, and it was easier for Alhaitham to let him think that he was simply obstinate.]

Don't start tearing into yourself over it now. I don't blame you for the choices I made.

[ He's quiet for a moment, just looking up at Alhaitham as the other tells him— sees right through him as always and tells him— not to start beating himself up over this. He laughs, a soft wet sound, and sniffles, shaking his head gently within the confines of those gentle hands. ]

Will you tell me something? How long— how long have you known you're in love with me?

[ There's a slight pause, not quite enough of one to let Alhaitham speak, before he continues: ]

How long have you known I'm in love with you?

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